My heart pounding as I reached at one of the corridors in the D block of Pantai Medical Hospital. I have been in that room before. From the aisle I was walking, I could already see the red letters attached to its glass door. The font was in normal size, but for me it was like giant words on a banner wide enough to swathe me in a cloth of agitation. They were read “X-ray Department”.
Gasping air in heavy breath, I collected all my guts and pushed that glass door, letting myself move forward to the counter. A lady behind a long desk greeted me in friendly manner, eased my tensions. I was thankful of her being so warm, because I already felt cold in all of my organs. I handed her an envelope from my doctor with my cold fingers. She took a glance on it and replied cordially, “A pelvic examination, okay, please be seated, we will call you when the radiologist is ready”.
I knew she was going to say that. “Please be seated” could mean, “you may wait forever”, or “be prepare to kill the passing time with any means you can get, as creatively as you can...because it’s gonna be so long ” Hush up, I scolded myself for being such a moaner. “This is the time for repentance and contemplation”, I whispered to myself “Sit down and pray”, I heard a voice from my heart and I sat in silent, beginning to recite my prayer.
There were so many patients sitting and waiting patiently in the room. Almost all seats available in long couches and sofas were occupied. One of the couch was pink, my favorite color, and gave me a gleam of comfort. But they were taken. There was a man clasping a newspaper busy catching up with the latest news, or looking for a distraction. On the left side of me were two little children with their parents. The father grabbed the boy’s hand, rose from the couch and took a stroll around the room letting his little son discovering something around the room. I looked at the plain wall and was feeling sorry for the void I found there. I sighed in silent, failed to stave off my anxiety. Would have them paint the wall with beautiful pictures or enchanting paintings the boy would be having something more to learn, and this feeling of helpless may not tie me this tight.
There was a coffee table beside me with pamphlets, magazines, and brochures on it. The room was bright and cool, enough for me to browsing them but I preferred to stay in my prayer, relaxing my pounding heart. I gazed at two ladies on my right. The younger one might be the daughter and the older is the mother, but both of them were in steady gaze with empty looks. I quickly sensed the air of nervousness surround me when I realized almost all of patients’ faces were in the same mode. I felt guilty, “was I the one who brought the sense in the room?” Then I settled in my prayer again, waiting patiently.
Waiting patiently, just like my recent occupation, a patient. I guessed patients in imaging department were patient enough, not in a rush to be called their turn to the imaging room. We hope we can delay knowing what has really happened inside our body, and if that is going to be a bad news, better we wait in the room until eternity.
But, this is x-ray department. We are made to be truthful. Nothing can hide from its powerful energy. The rays can penetrate everything, dissecting flesh from the bones, inciting the fear emerge from the soul. I have always loved and adored honesty and transparency all my life, but not this kind of honesty and transparency.
Opposite to me were two old women. They seemed like ordinary housewives, and they were busy chatting with each other. I couldn’t follow their conversation although it was quite loud because they were in Chinese. But their bright faces enticed my attention. Unlike the faces of all the rest, theirs are so calm and relax; they talked with ease, laughed at each other stories so freely. Hey, ladies, why are you so different, and are going against the flow in this room? Or old people are more ready to prepare themselves to any possible findings in their bodies? Imaging room might become some matter of routine for some elderly, nothing may surprise them some more.
I was fascinated to feel the paradox happened before my eyes. Chuckles, giggles, and chortles from two old women in a room full of uncertainties and possible setback in life. Even though if the two women were there only for accompanying someone, I was already gripped on it and began to think something funny out of my gloominess. Cowardice won’t help any troubles, if not ruin it even worse.
The time went by; a group of young lads entered the room. I guessed they are foreign workers needed to complete their documents with some medical examinations, since I saw they held something like a passport in their hands. They all seemed similar to each other, looked healthy and humble. Wouldn’t it be faster and time saving if they just lining up in the x-ray room and letting the x-ray passing through their particular body parts and then they can get the result at once? This is a powerful ray, anyway. I began to enjoy my mischievous sense of humor and instead of shrinking in fear I found myself began to bloom in hope and naughtiness in the same time.
An x-ray session is not so bad, I think in some occasion people need to be put in a powerful ray that can light up all the darkness and hidden side of human being. What is seen from outside, sometimes doesn’t represent what is actually lying beneath. I can be wrong of what I perceive as a success, a kindness, a faith, or strength. A bogus success, pseudo hospitality, or a vulnerable strength will become distanced and waning, once it is challenged through some test and hardship, and are forced to reveal their true faces. Then I think a dose of x-ray once a year is advisable for me to get to the access of truth in life, when I can have all things in its reality, without any covers, masks, or pretence.
I almost forgot about my concern, when I lay down in the examination room, finally. Doctor put the ultrasound detector on my stomach and moved it around to catch any possible foreign growing inside my belly. Worries still lingered on me. But, I chuckled when I noticed the monitor screen displaying what the ultrasound looking through my belly, for I think I saw there, an image of Mr. Bean’s thin figure in his grey suit.
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Kuala Lumpur, while joining a writing workshop in British Council with Sharon Bakar, August 2006
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